Brian Woodworth
“Gays Riot” – Comedy Piece
TIME (2:00 Minutes)
SOUND FX: Intro music to a news station is playing.
ANNOUNCER: Breaking news bulletin
from your local news!
Dialogue is read in a sarcastic tone;
in comparison to the Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” segment.
SUZIE KNOWLES: Hello and good
afternoon; a big decision from the Supreme Court was handed down today ruling
that gay marriage is OKAY and not in fact GAY.
JOHN MICHAELS: That’s right Suzie
Knowles, apparently, the highest
court in the land has gone in real deep with a firm ruling into those opposed
to gay marriage and they took it really hard.
SUZIE: With more now, we send it
out live to Washington DC where our own Dick Johnson is standing by with
coverage of the ruling and where an apparent riot of gayness broke out; Dick!
SOUND FX: Big happy and rioting
crowd in the background making it hard to hear Dick.
DICK (sounds as if he is panicked
and very uncomfortable with his surroundings; much like Ryan Mockery on Whose
Line when he does the “green screen” skit): That’s right Suzie, I am standing
in the middle of what is the biggest gay circle I’ve ever seen! There are men
and women holding hands, grabbing butts, making out… and Suzie, I have inhaled so much glitter that it looks
like a Gaga concert in my lungs!
SUZIE: Dick, can you tell us
anything about how long and thick this crowd is?
DICK: Well Suzie, let me tell you
that it is NOT just the roundness and thickness of the circle, there appears to
be lines of women in the shape of V’s popping up everywhere and multiple V’s
intertwining!
JOHN: Dick, can you tell us on a
scale of 1-10, how much is your GAY-dar going off right now?
DICK: John, I’ve never had so much
tingling in my gaydar in my LIFE! It’s as if I myself am being FORCED to be gay
just by being around all of this gayness! I think this is unfair and
unconstitutional!
JOHN: Dick, do you find the gayness
attractive?
DICK: John, I am getting a little
excited watching these hot and wet women playing in the fountain in their white
t-shirts and no bras wearing short shorts, making out and moaning loudly!
JOHN: Atta boy!
SUZIE: Dick you stay outta there!
We don’t want to lose another person to the gayness of gays!
SOUND FX: John and Suzie laugh.
JOHN: Dick, did you hear anything
from the Supreme Court on what constitutes being a gay person?
DICK: It seems they believe for gay
men that he must know at least one
musical fully through AND know Madonna’s greatest hits to qualify; and
for lesbians, they must have owned one cat as a child and loved carpet.
SUZIE: Dick, can you pull someone
out of the crowd and do a on the street improved interview for us really quick
before we let you go?
DICK (microphone is farther away
from his face giving a more far away sound): EXCUSE ME!
FAR AWAY VOICE (masculine female):
Yes?
DICK: Would you do a quick
interview with us?
SFX: Dick clearing his throat and
bringing the microphone closer to his mouth.
DICK: What is your name?
TONY: Tony.
DICK: What are your thoughts on
today’s ruling from the Supreme Court, sir?
TONY: SIR?!
SFX: The sound of a punch landing
and a microphone being dropped to the ground.
SUZING: DICK?!
JOHN: DICK! ARE YOU THERE?!
DICK (confused and disoriented): He
apparently wasn’t a he… reporting from DC, this is Dick Johnson. *Improved
ending thinking his microphone is cut off from the live feed.
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