“Gays Riot” – Comedy Piece
TIME (2:00 Minutes)
SOUND FX: Intro music to a news station is playing.
ANNOUNCER: Breaking news bulletin from your local news!
Dialogue is read in a sarcastic tone; in comparison to the Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” segment.
SUZIE KNOWLES: Hello and good afternoon; a big decision from the Supreme Court was handed down today ruling that gay marriage is OKAY and not in fact GAY.
JOHN MICHAELS: That’s right Suzie Knowles, apparently, the highest court in the land has gone in real deep with a firm ruling into those opposed to gay marriage and they took it really hard.
SUZIE: With more now, we send it out live to Washington DC where our own Dick Johnson is standing by with coverage of the ruling and where an apparent riot of gayness broke out; Dick!
SOUND FX: Big happy and rioting crowd in the background making it hard to hear Dick.
DICK (sounds as if he is panicked and very uncomfortable with his surroundings; much like Ryan Mockery on Whose Line when he does the “green screen” skit): That’s right Suzie, I am standing in the middle of what is the biggest gay circle I’ve ever seen! There are men and women holding hands, grabbing butts, making out… and Suzie, I have inhaled so much glitter that it looks like a Gaga concert in my lungs!
SUZIE: Dick, can you tell us anything about how long and thick this crowd is?
DICK: Well Suzie, let me tell you that it is NOT just the roundness and thickness of the circle, there appears to be lines of women in the shape of V’s popping up everywhere and multiple V’s intertwining!
JOHN: Dick, can you tell us on a scale of 1-10, how much is your GAY-dar going off right now?
DICK: John, I’ve never had so much tingling in my gaydar in my LIFE! It’s as if I myself am being FORCED to be gay just by being around all of this gayness! I think this is unfair and unconstitutional!
JOHN: Dick, do you find the gayness attractive?
DICK: John, I am getting a little excited watching these hot and wet women playing in the fountain in their white t-shirts and no bras wearing short shorts, making out and moaning loudly!
JOHN: Atta boy!
SUZIE: Dick you stay outta there! We don’t want to lose another person to the gayness of gays!
SOUND FX: John and Suzie laugh.
JOHN: Dick, did you hear anything from the Supreme Court on what constitutes being a gay person?
DICK: It seems they believe for gay men that he must know at least one musical fully through AND know Madonna’s greatest hits to qualify; and for lesbians, they must have owned one cat as a child and loved carpet.
SUZIE: Dick, can you pull someone out of the crowd and do a on the street improved interview for us really quick before we let you go?
DICK (microphone is farther away from his face giving a more far away sound): EXCUSE ME!
FAR AWAY VOICE (masculine female): Yes?
DICK: Would you do a quick interview with us?
SFX: Dick clearing his throat and bringing the microphone closer to his mouth.
DICK: What is your name?
DICK: What are your thoughts on today’s ruling from the Supreme Court, sir?
SFX: The sound of a punch landing and a microphone being dropped to the ground.
JOHN: DICK! ARE YOU THERE?!
DICK (confused and disoriented): He apparently wasn’t a he… reporting from DC, this is Dick Johnson. *Improved ending thinking his microphone is cut off from the live feed.