Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Camel Clean Redraft

Zach Cieslak
“Camel Clean” Commercial
:60


SFX: Kissing
Girl: Sorry, but I just can’t do this.
Boy: What are you talking about?
Girl: Did you brush your teeth after dinner? I can smell the pepperoni from your pizza!
Boy: Gross, I’ll…I’ll be right back.
SFX Brushing teeth
SFX: Kissing
Girl: I can still smell everything you ate!!
Boy: Well, garlic is hard to get rid of.
Girl: Here, try this. It’s a Camel Clean toothbrush. My dental hygienist said 6 out of 10 dentists are now recommending camel hair toothbrushes as the best way to clean your teeth.
SFX: Brushing teeth
Girl: What are you doing in there?
Boy: My teeth feel great! WOW! I could do THIS all night!
Girl: Let me see.
SFX: grunt from being pulled away

Narrator: Start and end your day with the cleanest your teeth can be. Purchase your Camel Clean toothbrush anywhere toothbrushes are sold. Remember to always be kissably clean.

2 comments:

  1. Great commercial!

    A couple things that need clarifying for me...

    In the beginning you focus on "bad breath" as the focal point of the story, but by the end its his "teeth feeling great".. Maybe revery back to the breath being gone from the effects of the toothbrush?

    Also, the girl giving him the toothbrush doesn't sit right in the sense that, would that really happen? Like what if he ran in the bathroom for the second time and the toothbrush genie appears in the mirror and gives it to him? It creates a character for the brand to run with in future commercials as well as keeping the guy kissably clean without being embarrassed!

    P.S. Loved the "kissably clean". Genius! :)

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  2. I think its a fun setup, I enjoy the setting very much! I can actually visualize it happening. I felt her handing over the toothbrush was random. Also, what would inspire me to get the toothbrush over a convenient mouth wash or gum in that situation? Thanks :)

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