Thursday, June 27, 2013

Avengers Assemble Comedy Writing

Monica Hunt
Comedy Writing (2:30)
Avengers Assemble.

(The location is a secret building, abandoned, dimly lit.)
SFX: Background chatter, interupted....
Iron Man: Okay! Time to begin this initiation ceremony. Thank you, fellow heroes for showing up for tryouts for the Avengers. As your leader, Iron Man. I strive to get the most popular and radical heroes in the Avengers. Now, I won’t beat around the bush. We are very popular. And we need the most popular heroes in this group. We don’t need any losers like Aquaman around.

Aquaman: (Offended scoff)
SFX: Dolphin noises, ocean waves breaking through a door.
Aquaman: I can see we are not wanted here.

Iron Man: ...Anyways, I have decided to open up auditions for even DC superheroes. With my less important co-judge, Captain America, we are here to find the NEXT Avenger. Let’s get started!

Iron Man: Alright! First hero! We’re ready to see you! Batman, why do you think you would be a great Avenger?
MUS: Dark theme music under....
Batman: (Voice so deep and scruffy, can’t even understand him.) Brufffashavasrrrrrrr.
Iron Man: Uhhhh, could you repeat that, please?

Iron Man: Ummmm …... Next.
MUS: Cut off.

MUS: Superman theme begins and goes under....
Superman: If I were an Avenger. I would make my parents and Krypton proud. As defender of Smallville and the entire world, I think I’m more than qualified to be your next partner.

Iron Man: …. You did just have a recent box office success.... but.... You no longer wear your red underwear on the outside of your suit. For vanity purposes, you can’t look cooler than me. NEXT.
MUS: Superman theme is cut off.

SFX: (WHOOSH, fast sounding run)

Iron Man: What was that?

Flash: You could say I FLASHED before your eyes. Flash here, your NEXT Avenger.

Iron Man: No. I’m the ONLY one that can provide one liners. NEXT!

Iron Man: Cap, we have been through hundreds of auditions today. And no one is less important than me, but still qualified. Maybe it was a mistake to open up and try to find a new member. How hard is it to find a member who won’t be taken as seriously as us and not be as popular?

MUS: Dramatic superhero music under....


Announcer: (Dramatic, deep) The AVENGERRSSSS. Defending our world. IRON MAN.

SFX: Dolphins and ocean waves.
MUS: Over after ocean waves.

Comedy Assignment - Gays Riot

Brian Woodworth
“Gays Riot” – Comedy Piece
TIME (2:00 Minutes)

SOUND FX: Intro music to a news station is playing.

ANNOUNCER: Breaking news bulletin from your local news!
Dialogue is read in a sarcastic tone; in comparison to the Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” segment.
SUZIE KNOWLES: Hello and good afternoon; a big decision from the Supreme Court was handed down today ruling that gay marriage is OKAY and not in fact GAY.
JOHN MICHAELS: That’s right Suzie Knowles, apparently, the highest court in the land has gone in real deep with a firm ruling into those opposed to gay marriage and they took it really hard.
SUZIE: With more now, we send it out live to Washington DC where our own Dick Johnson is standing by with coverage of the ruling and where an apparent riot of gayness broke out; Dick!
SOUND FX: Big happy and rioting crowd in the background making it hard to hear Dick.
DICK (sounds as if he is panicked and very uncomfortable with his surroundings; much like Ryan Mockery on Whose Line when he does the “green screen” skit): That’s right Suzie, I am standing in the middle of what is the biggest gay circle I’ve ever seen! There are men and women holding hands, grabbing butts, making out… and Suzie, I have inhaled so much glitter that it looks like a Gaga concert in my lungs!
SUZIE: Dick, can you tell us anything about how long and thick this crowd is?
DICK: Well Suzie, let me tell you that it is NOT just the roundness and thickness of the circle, there appears to be lines of women in the shape of V’s popping up everywhere and multiple V’s intertwining!
JOHN: Dick, can you tell us on a scale of 1-10, how much is your GAY-dar going off right now?
DICK: John, I’ve never had so much tingling in my gaydar in my LIFE! It’s as if I myself am being FORCED to be gay just by being around all of this gayness! I think this is unfair and unconstitutional!
JOHN: Dick, do you find the gayness attractive?
DICK: John, I am getting a little excited watching these hot and wet women playing in the fountain in their white t-shirts and no bras wearing short shorts, making out and moaning loudly!
JOHN: Atta boy!
SUZIE: Dick you stay outta there! We don’t want to lose another person to the gayness of gays!
SOUND FX: John and Suzie laugh.
JOHN: Dick, did you hear anything from the Supreme Court on what constitutes being a gay person?
DICK: It seems they believe for gay men that he must know at least one musical fully through AND know Madonna’s greatest hits to qualify; and for lesbians, they must have owned one cat as a child and loved carpet.
SUZIE: Dick, can you pull someone out of the crowd and do a on the street improved interview for us really quick before we let you go?
DICK (microphone is farther away from his face giving a more far away sound): EXCUSE ME!
FAR AWAY VOICE (masculine female): Yes?
DICK: Would you do a quick interview with us?
SFX: Dick clearing his throat and bringing the microphone closer to his mouth.
DICK: What is your name?
TONY: Tony.
DICK: What are your thoughts on today’s ruling from the Supreme Court, sir?
SFX: The sound of a punch landing and a microphone being dropped to the ground.
DICK (confused and disoriented): He apparently wasn’t a he… reporting from DC, this is Dick Johnson. *Improved ending thinking his microphone is cut off from the live feed.

Comedy Sketch: DOMA

Nicky Quiles
Comedy Sketch

SFX: Electronic Music playing throughout the entire sketch.
REPORTER: I am Jackuel Samson reporting live from Washington D.C. and DOMA has just been deemed unconstitutional by the Supreme Court.  And, much like this reporter predicted, the gays are running wild.
GAY MAN 1: Wooo! Yay Gay!
REPORTER: I am getting reports of mass suicides by religious leaders all around the country. There have also been reports of Homosexual orgies on the steps of various city hall buildings in cities such as Chicago, Las Vegas, Portland, Houston, and Iowa City. The biggest of which is taking place right in front of my eyes on the steps of the Supreme Court Building. I have been told that the head of The Guinness Book of World Records is on his way here personally to mark the record for world’s largest homosexual orgy. It seems as if it is about 3,000 short of the world record for biggest human orgy.
SFX: Cannons firing.
SFX: Firecrackers exploding.
REPORTER: The festivities are really kicking off it seems. Fireworks have started and cannons of glitter are being fired at an alarming rate.
SFX: Cannons firing.
REPORTER: It is essentially raining glitter here. It looks like a Lady Gaga concert with the glitter and flashing lights everywhere. It truly is a sight to see. Celebrities Liza Minnelli and Elton John have just arrived to play the after party, and currently EDM group Ratatat are playing on the steps.
GAY MAN 1: I’m getting married!
REPORTER: The orgy is still going strong; I don’t see any end in sight.
SFX: Reporter throwing up.
REPORTER: I am so sorry about that folks. I just witnessed a woman fart blood, and I couldn’t keep it in. Mam you should get that checked. It seems as if a few religious folk have taken to the streets. I’m assuming to get a view of what is either disgusting or beautiful, I’m not really sure. Excuse me sir may I have a word?
RELIGIOUS MAN: Yes, how can I help you?
REPORTER: What is it that you, and the rest of the members in your group, are doing here?
RELIGIOUS MAN: We are here to protest this Godless act. What these people are doing is wrong and I don’t believe they should be able to get away with it.
REPORTER: Well now that DOMA has been struck down they can legally do whatever they want.
RELIGIOUS MAN: And that is why we are here. I can’t believe they can do whatever they want and all us religious folks are so oppressed. What they are doing is sick. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!
GAY MAN 1: Boo!
RELIGIOUS MAN: Boo you sir! This is an abomination. The bible says this is bad and you should feel bad. Follow us and we shall save you.
REPORTER: Be careful there sir, now that DOMA has been struck down it is illegal to promote religion towards homosexuals.
RELIGIOUS MAN: I don’t care!
GAY MAN 1: Gay away the Pray!
SFX: Loud echo of wind inhalation.
REPORTER: What is happening?
SFX:  Loud supersonic sound waves.
REPORTER: What is going on?!
SFX: Screams.
REPORTER: Where’d the religious people go?
GAY MAN 1: They’ve been recruited.

REPORTER: Oh my. It seems as if the religious group have dropped their Bibles and are joining the orgy. This is truly a sight to see. That’s it for me here on the steps of The Supreme Court Building; I’m Jackuel Samson, back to you Tiffany.

Comedy - Paula Deen Today Show Interview Parody

Veneese Mollison
Comedy Sketch (2:30)
Paula Deen Today Show Interview Parody

Matt: Good Morning everyone and welcome to the Today show. I’m Matt Lauer and this morning I’m talking with Paula Deen. Paula, thank you for coming. 
Paula: Thank you for having me Matt.
Matt: You were originally supposed be here Friday and you told me you were distraught and exhausted. How are you feeling now?
Paula: I’m still exhausted Matt. It’s hard work trying to kiss corporate ass to save your own.
Matt: I’m glad you said that because the difference between Friday and now is really on the business side of things. Food Network said goodbye, Smithfield Foods let you go, and QVC has said they’re weighing their options.
Paula: Before I respond to that, let me say that all of God’s creatures were created equal. Black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, heterosexuals and homosexuals, rich people and poor people...
(Matt interrupts.)
Matt: But Paula let’s be honest, is the real reason you’re here to stop the financial bleeding?
Paula: Heck yeah! I’m bleeding money so fast, soon I’ll be on public assistance with them. 
Matt: From the corporate side, under the circumstances would you have fired you?
Paula: Heck no, my people love me.
Matt: Right now it seems to me that an informal jury of your peers, your fans, your critics and your business associates are weighing the question, is Paula Deen a racist. So I’ll ask it to you bluntly, are you a racist?
Paula: Absolutely not! I have an African American friend. I even did an interview with Oprah.
Matt: Not by birth, by choice, or osmosis…
(Paula interrupts.) 
Paula: Not even by coincidence. I was raised in a home where my father encouraged prejudice and dropping out of school, and if I ever treat them as anything more than the help, he says, “yo butt will be mine”.
(Matt interrupts.)
Matt: Ok, but you raised your right hand and swore under oath that you have used the n-word. So how can someone use the n-word whether in anger, or in a joke, or in private and not be considered a racist? 
Paula: Umm…, yes…… I was just talking about that n-word, not all the n-words!
Matt: Didn’t you admit to using the word on other occasions?
Paula: No! In all of my sixty-six years on earth, living on a plantation, in Southern Texas, I’ve only used the word once.
Matt: In your deposition you said “I can’t determine myself what offends another person.” Do you have any doubt in your mind that African Americans are offended by the n-word?
Paula: I don’t know Matt, I’ve asked myself that time and time again, but I just don’t know what else to call them.
Matt: Paula, given what you know now, when you raised your right hand under oath, do you wish you had just fudged the truth?
Paula: Not at all. I said the last time I used the word was thirty years ago.
Matt: Many have shown up at your restaurant to show their support. Do you think your fan base can support you through this?
Paula: You can never underestimate the power of the majority. I is what I is, and you ain’t what I ain’t so nah!
Matt: I think we’ve heard enough. Thanks for joining me Paula.

Comedy Sketch- Resort and Spa

Son Vo
Comedy Sketch (3:00)
Sketch #1 Resort and Spa

SFX: Traditional Hawaiian Bongo Music
CHUCK: Welcome to the Meeting Grounds Spa. I am your receptionist, Chuck.
MAN 1: Hi Chuck. I’m finally on vacation, and I figured this spa will do me good; I just need to relax and rest up.
CHUCK: Well that is great young man. Our reputation is at stake. However, there is only one rule at this spa.
MAN 1: I got no beef with you, what is it?
CHUCK: You simply must be a carnivore, which means you only eat meat!
MAN 1: Those are some unusual terms Chuck, but I certainly won’t bust your chops.
CHUCK: Excellent! We do have a few things on our to-do list, come right this way!
SFX: Footsteps, Relaxing music
CHUCK: This is where you can receive your ma-sausages.
MAN 1: I’m sorry, did I mishear you? Did you say massages, or ma-sausages?
CHUCK: Don’t be silly sir, lay down right here.
MAN 1: Well alright, if I could finally relax.
SFX: Sound of one laying on a bed
MAN 1: Well this isn’t so bad.
CHUCK: Indeed! This is the ham radio, if there is something you want to hear, by all means. I’ll go get your masseur, Wellington.
MAN 1: Excellent, I hope he delivers something good.
SFX: Door being kicked down
MAN 1: What in the world is going on!
WELLINGTON: Pardon me for butchering such a relaxing moment; my name is Wellington, your masseur. Close your eyes now, and imagine beautiful grassland full of grazing cows.
MAN 1: What you’re trying to instill in my mind isn’t going to help me.
WELLINGTON: Now, now, sir, I’m only trying to help. Let me place these over your eyes, they’ll be like cucumbers.
MAN 1: what exactly are you putting over my eyes, wait a minute… are these ribs?
WELLINGTON: Rib eyes to be exact.
MAN 1: You know what, perhaps I shall check out what else is on the schedule, perhaps the Poultry Slam, some nice poetry I would hope.
WELLINGTON: Very well sir, let me guide you, it’s across the street.
MAN 1: It’s quite alright Wellington, I’m no chicken, and I’ll get to the other side.
SFX: Cars passing by, loud car horns
MAN 1: Forget this!
SFX: Slamming door open
MAN 1: Chuck! I want my money back, please spare me the drama! I could have been I could have been grounded or roasted. No more please; this place can’t meet my expectations.
CHUCK: I’m sorry to hear that sir, how about a free plane ticket to a country of your choice. You can choose between Chile, Turkey, Bolivia, or Mongolia.
MAN 1: For goodness sakes, I’m just going to travel to the Thousand Islands!