Tyler Berry
Comedy Writing
Lisa Brown (2:00)
(Setting is the Michigan House of Representatives)
SFX: Loud chatter from crowd, gasps
SFX: Gavel hitting the table
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: I’m calling to order this legislation in
the Michigan House of Representatives. Now, Representative Lisa Brown, I’m not
sure I understand why you made such an inappropriate, brash comment. Can you
explain yourself?
REP BROWN: Well Mr. Speaker, since this entire day has been
spent with you and a bunch of equally old, equally white men speaking about why
there should be restrictions and regulations on abortion practices, I was just
wondering why you were all so interested in my vagina?
SFX: More gasps, chatter
SPEAKER: Representative Brown, that’s enough!
REP BROWN: Is it because you don’t have a vagina? Are you
suffering from vagina envy?
SPEAKER: That’s…not even a real thing.
REP BROWN: Hey it’s okay. I’ve suffered from penis envy in
the past. However, the difference is: I’ve never told you men what to do with
your penises. Well, unless you count that weekend in Cabo a decade back.
SPEAKER: Representative Banks, your hand is raised. I assume
you want to weigh in.
REP BRIAN BANKS: Yes I do, Mr. Speaker. Ms. Brown, wanna
grab dinner after this?
REP BROWN: Representative Banks, I’m flattered but no means
no.
SPEAKER: Ms. Brown! I’m not sure what you expect to gain
from this outlandish word vomit, but it cannot bode well for your career.
REP BROWN: And deciding what women can or can’t do with
their vaginas cannot bode well for you ever getting laid again.
SFX: A collective “OOOOH”
from the crowd
SPEAKER: You’re finished! You are officially barred from
speaking on this House floor. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Ms. Brown.
REP BROWN: Fine. I just have one question for you.
SPEAKER: What?
REP BROWN: You know that angry, scolding look a woman gives
you when you’ve crossed her?
SPEAKER: I do.
REP BROWN: Wait until almost every woman in Michigan is
giving you that look tomorrow morning.
SFX: Heels walking on floor.
SFX: Door slamming
SPEAKER: Crap.
I'm from Michigan, so it was enjoyable to read! Maybe a little over the top with the wording for radio? I don't know, but I'd listen to it!
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