Lisa Brown (2:00)
(Setting is the Michigan House of Representatives)
SFX: Loud chatter from crowd, gasps
SFX: Gavel hitting the table
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: I’m calling to order this legislation in the Michigan House of Representatives. Now, Representative Lisa Brown, I’m not sure I understand why you made such an inappropriate, brash comment. Can you explain yourself?
REP BROWN: Well Mr. Speaker, since this entire day has been spent with you and a bunch of equally old, equally white men speaking about why there should be restrictions and regulations on abortion practices, I was just wondering why you were all so interested in my vagina?
SFX: More gasps, chatter
SPEAKER: Representative Brown, that’s enough!
REP BROWN: Is it because you don’t have a vagina? Are you suffering from vagina envy?
SPEAKER: That’s…not even a real thing.
REP BROWN: Hey it’s okay. I’ve suffered from penis envy in the past. However, the difference is: I’ve never told you men what to do with your penises. Well, unless you count that weekend in Cabo a decade back.
SPEAKER: Representative Banks, your hand is raised. I assume you want to weigh in.
REP BRIAN BANKS: Yes I do, Mr. Speaker. Ms. Brown, wanna grab dinner after this?
REP BROWN: Representative Banks, I’m flattered but no means no.
SPEAKER: Ms. Brown! I’m not sure what you expect to gain from this outlandish word vomit, but it cannot bode well for your career.
REP BROWN: And deciding what women can or can’t do with their vaginas cannot bode well for you ever getting laid again.
SFX: A collective “OOOOH” from the crowd
SPEAKER: You’re finished! You are officially barred from speaking on this House floor. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Ms. Brown.
REP BROWN: Fine. I just have one question for you.
REP BROWN: You know that angry, scolding look a woman gives you when you’ve crossed her?
SPEAKER: I do.
REP BROWN: Wait until almost every woman in Michigan is giving you that look tomorrow morning.
SFX: Heels walking on floor.
SFX: Door slamming